saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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