how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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