Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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