He disabled his match.com account in front of me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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