Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
