Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
