Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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