Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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