wat bout pragnant strippers??
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
