I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
