So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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