my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
