naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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