Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My ass is underappreciated
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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