No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
