i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
