I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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