Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
