i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
