I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
