It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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