Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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