I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
