I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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