i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.