My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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