at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
