just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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