Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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