i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
