i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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