one might say we're banned from that church
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
