Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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