I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
