it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
