My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
