That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
