remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
