A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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