Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
FUCK WHALES
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