It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
