I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
