New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
