Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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