I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
