i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
