Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
