My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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