i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
