please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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