Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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