So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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