forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
