went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
