It's Friday. Sex?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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