those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
