I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
