Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
