If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
