he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
