Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
