Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
