I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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